“Marriage is Hard”… or Have We All Gone Soft?

Nick’s had a few long weeks, and he’s sporting a once-a-year type of headache.  The only pain Nick has truly complained about in the fifteen years I’ve known him is his braces (which I gave him major shit for), so I know this must be a doozy tonight. The man is off to bed and the Irish are down 16-21 against BYU.

Ope. He’s back downstairs. In a VERY bright pink Essity shirt. I feel like I need to put a “Hi, I’m colorblind” sticker on his baseball hats so people don’t think I approved these outfits. Apparently, his mill has been down for over 12 hours, so he’s headed in at 10PM to rally the troops. I never realized how much of my married life would revolve around whether or not a machine was making enough toilet paper. I’m really proud of, and really thankful for, how hard he works to support us.

I’m now taking it as my wifely responsibility to stay up and scream at the TV in his place. I still don’t know much of what’s happening in football, but I’ve really tried to make an effort in the last fifteen years to learn to love Nick’s interesTOUCHDOWNNNNN IRISH! AND A TWO-POINT CONVERSION! Well, now I definitely have to stay up and watch this game for him. Marital duties, I suppose.

Nick’s birthday was last week – our tenth birthday season married to each other – and I found myself meditating a lot on what marriage has been like for us. I remember when we were engaged and we were inundated with the warning of advice, “marriage is hard.” And all I can say about that? No TF it isn’t! Marriage is so. Frickin. Fun. I get it that the stage of life you enter when you typically get married, well that stage of life can be hard. You’re combining finances, buying a house, having kids. These are not easy things. So yes, life is hard. But marriage? Nah. Marriage isn’t hard. Marriage is the joyous union that helps you weather through the hard.

Marriage is like having a slumber party every day with your best friend. You go to bed laughing and wake up staring at someone who loves you more than life itself. In marriage, you have someone you trust more than anyone else in the world to lean on every day. You and the person you love most in the world created, specifically through that love, all these new little people and now you get to raise them together and love on them together and just delight in them together. It’s like getting to work on the most fun group project you were ever assigned, and you got to pick your best friend as your partner.

I’m crazy for Nick, and he is for me. No, I don’t get butterflies anymore when I’m getting dressed for a date night. But it’s actually SO MUCH BETTER now! Those butterflies during dating are always served up with a side of concern: “Are we ever going to break up? Does he really love me? Does he actually want to marry me?” Those worries are gone and replaced by a confidence that my best friend and I are choosing each other, every day, from here to eternity.

One of Nick and my favorite parts we’ve learned about marriage is that the more we give in to God’s call for it, the easier (and more joyful) our marriage becomes.  I’ve spoken a quote from a college priest before, “True love is desiring for another their entry into Heaven, and vowing to do everything in your power to help them get there.” Nick and I strive [imperfectly, of course, because #human] to hold each other accountable to that end goal. All things done in this love. Sometimes it’s through deep connection and prayer together, other times it’s just calling out each other’s [poor] choices with a “Hey, cut that out. I want you up in Heaven when I get there.”

When we were first married, we were rarely made it a priority to attend Sunday mass. I’m not a morning person, so I had ample reasons to skip. Nick was the powerhouse behind our shift to weekly mass and more. I was the catalyst with natural family planning, “I know this is going to suck, but I think we need to commit to NFP. It finally clicked for me. I get it. I understand it.” I trusted him. He trusted me. We have followed each other’s calls to obedience and EVERY time that grace has flowed back into our marriage. We have strengthened our bond, our trust for one another, our respect for each other… and our joy has multiplied. I cannot stress this enough – do the hard stuff. It pays off in indescribable ways.

Marriage really can’t be hard. Marriage is a sacrament. Living with someone can be hard. Especially when they can’t seem to ever wash their toothpaste spit down the sink. Sleeping next to someone is definitely hard. (This one’s on me – I have a 12-foot pregnancy pillow that hasn’t left our bed since 2018 and I randomly scream in my sleep with little to no recollection. Funsies!) Compromising can be hard. Parenthood is hard. But marriage isn’t hard. Marriage is a gift. And when you live in a spirit of giving to one another and respecting each other and truly honoring each other, a strong marriage becomes your best weapon against all that is hard in life.

It’s fun looking back at the decade plus married to Nick, and reflecting on what’s stuck out as the best days of my life. You know a crazy thought? If God gave me a chance to relive one day of my life, I wouldn’t pick our wedding day. And that’s nothing against that day! It was beautiful and magical and everything I ever dreamed of. I lived it once and it was perfect beyond measure and I don’t need to do it again. But I’d love to go back and relive the look in Nick’s eyes as he held Maisy for the first time. I’d love to relive the whirlwind of celebration with our families in the hours after Nick proposed. I’d love to relive last Thursday dancing in the kitchen and laughing with our girls around our feet. There are so many abundantly joyous moments that come from committing your life to your best friend, consecrating that union to God, and choosing to find the best in every day together.

I can tell from Find My Friends that at 11:15PM Nick has now made his way out to the Neenah warehouse, and it’s never a prompt ending when he steps foot in there. Normally Nick carries the load with the kids on Sundays, but I think after tonight he’s due for some fresh baked pumpkin bread and a two-hour nap following mass tomorrow. The Irish also just lost (I don’t know my shit enough to know if it was holding or pass interference or if those are the same thing but that last play was bogus), so I literally have no other reason to be awake right now. Bedtime. Peace out. Sleep well. Don’t forget to tell your spouse you’re thankful for them.