But I’ve Never Even Tasted Malört…

Nick and I really really really don’t want any more babies. Actually I don’t want any more babies. Ask Nick and he will say, “The sky’s the limit!” And, “Hey, somebody’s gotta pay my Social Security”. He’s a two-trick pony when it comes to discussing more kids. “Consistent”, he would say.

I so badly don’t ever want to be pregnant again that I spend five days every month in a tailspin thinking that I might be, may be, most certainly am. Let’s try some narrative therapy to process this issue. 

You know I love a good list. This blog is nothing more than an inventory of the most ridiculous reasons I’ve taken a pregnancy test (all negative, duh) in recent history:

• My pants [that I haven’t worn since college] didn’t button closed.
• I had too much energy and couldn’t fall asleep.
• I had a weird dream where my friend and I were chaperoning a first grade field trip to Antarctica and we had to go scuba diving with seals and when we took off our wetsuits her daughter started giving us shit because we smelled like Malört. Woke up and went STRAIGHT for the test strips.
• I had really bad acne. (I had also eaten chocolate four times a day that week but obvs that couldn’t be the reason).
• Nick pissed me off. For real though. He’s so sweet. I barely ever get mad at him unless I’m growing his offspring. And then the feeling is pretty incessant for a year(ish).

• For three days I had an overwhelming desire to reorganize the whole kitchen. For sure it was “early nesting” and couldn’t possibly be caused by the fact that this is my favorite pastime.

• Something smelled really bad in the house but I bleached every trash can and cleaned every bathroom and I could still smell it so obviously it was due to my enhanced pregnancy senses. We can probably chalk that one up to Malibu?

• My wine tasted bad. Spoiler alert, it was just spoiled.

It’s never the obvious reason like, “I’m late.” Nope, gotta be because I dreamt about getting drunk shamed by a 7-year-old.

Nick tells me I’m keeping the test strip industry alive. He doesn’t realize I buy these in a 100 pack on Amazon for $8.00. These things are probably shit. They’ll probably ALWAYS give a negative. I don’t care. It gives me peace of mind… For 23 days until I inevitably think I’m pregnant again. 

I like blogging lists. This is fun. I think my next list might be “Horrible Things My Children Have Said to Me in Public”. A few weeks ago Maisy was in a stall with me and I had to redress while she refused to give me any privacy. Two seconds in she waves her hands in a circular motion towards my chest and loudly declares, “I DON’T like the way your boobies look right now”. Cool cool. That’s your fault, kid.